On the Edge

In times past I used to dwell in that place that feels like it’s on the edge of everybody else’s world.  The place that feels like everyone else is connected, but you’re not, the place where “nobody cares”.  It’s not a place I dwell in any more – I’m pleased to say, although there are strange little moments when I seem to pop back for a visit!

This week is one of those times.  All sorts of silly and really, insignificant things keep popping up before me that remind me of that place where I am insignificant.  Things that mean nothing on their own but that together make a big pile of rubbish!

It’s even starting to be funny! 

Back in those days I remember reading Adrian Plass’s “Stress Family Robinson” where family friend ‘Dip’ spoke of her plan.  At those times when she felt insignifcant and alone she would retreat and see if anyone would bother to come and find her, if anyone would notice.  I remember reading it and thinking, “really, someone else has thought that – not just me?!”  And that made me laugh too.

I’m glad to say that God is good at providing a way into healthy thinking, healing from the things that cause us to retreat and wallow… and sometimes reminders of where we’ve come from.  I hope this visit won’t last too long. 

When I lived more firmly in that old place, but was starting to move away, I felt that God showed me a spiral staircase down which I was walking.  And at some point I had to step off the staircase, that’s all, or to put it in the Psalmist’s terms, to step from the mire to the rock.  I had to let go of that seemingly comfortable place of assuming I knew what everyone else thought about me and learn some new stuff – which included what God might think, as well as what I’d decided too.  And then to live with it, if what I thought they thought turned out to be true!  Which seems to bring me back to where I started… on the edge!

5 thoughts on “On the Edge

  1. It’s nice to hear you have moved out of that place. The story about running off and seeing if anybody would notice was *exactly* what I did at parties or group gatherings as a teenager. I would see who would bother to come and find me and how long it would take….

    Sometimes I still feel tempted to do silly things like that. For me, it was a bit attention seeking. Although still shy (and some people will tell you I’m not which is how good I am!), I just try extra hard to talk to people.

    I know I’m rambling but I guess I just wanted to say that I know how you feel and where you are coming from.

  2. Another one who can echo your post here. Please don’t go and hide, though, because I don’t know where to look for you!

  3. I can relate to that experience too. I felt on the edge – not that I wasn’t ever connected with anyone, but more that whilst I was friends with most people, I was nobody’s “best” friend so not on the “inside”.

    I remember years ago on the Ship there was a thread where loads of people confessed to being the kid at school who was always last to be picked in PE when the good-at-sport kids were picking people to be in their team. Netball, hockey, athletics – it was always the same. So many people (including me) had exactly the same experience, I started to wonder whether it was a vague predictor of future slightly-odd Christianity! Maybe the “on the edge” feeling is another vague predictor 🙂

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